


It's an L.A. Universe and the Rent is Too High

by Pathologies



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Comedy of Errors, Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), don't take this seriously at all, eyeball hijinks, featuring everyone's favorite: videogames, me taking a hammer to the russos and fix it, the errors being the universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 14:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14750811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathologies/pseuds/Pathologies
Summary: The Avengers must combine all their talent and skill to beat Thanos once and for all...or at least once.





	It's an L.A. Universe and the Rent is Too High

It had been a mere hour since half the entire universe had vanished into dust. The remainder of the heroes were still processing the shock of what happened. People they knew, cared for: gone. Thor out of everyone looked the most out of it, standing dumbstruck with an ax smeared with alien blood.

 

He hears the shuffling of small feet next to him. The voice comes out less enthusiastic and mean spirited than he expected, “Well you you just gonna stand there or are you gonna kill this purple asshole some more?”  
  
The god of thunder shook his head, “I’m sorry, my furry friend...I really wish I knew what to do. One moment he was here and the next...he wasn’t.”  
  
“We better figure out something soon, huh?!” Rocket bristled.

 

Thor sighed, “Please, give me a moment to think!”  
  
“I don’t know why it’s suddenly up to this dude who’s been out of the picture for a year and some animal,” Rhodey interjected.

 

“Colonel Rhodes is right,” Steve agreed, “If we’re to fix this...it’s gonna take all of us.”

 

Thor shot up, “Or none of us.”

 

“I’m missing something here,” Rhodes said.

 

“No...I believe I know someone who may reverse all this tragedy. Rabbit, come with me.” he gestured with his ax thing as the rainbow road effect shimmered down on him again.

 

“Oh no not agai—Aaaaaaaah!” With that Thor and Rocket were gone.

 

Rhodey sighed, “So I guess if next time there’s a...giant army of whatever the hell kind of freak-ass aliens, Thor will just pop down here, swing ax, and leave?”

 

“I guess.” Steve sighed.

 

“Do I even want to know why he changed his look?”

 

“I guarantee you he’ll be back,” M’Baku scoffed as he ran off to investigate one of the remaining landed craft.

 

“If not we’ll simply collect him ourselves,” Okoye added.

 

Moments later they landed on Sakaar, the planet where all lost things gathers. Rocket scoffed, “Oh yeah, I remember this dump...you know, it’s the kind of place where you need a certain kind of part but you don’t know what you’re looking for.”

 

Thor looked confused, “You mean you didn’t...meet...you didn’t run into any persons by the name of the Grandmaster? You were forced into a tournament perhaps? Or asked if you were food? I mean...no offense, if they thought I was food, they might think you were….” he drops off, “Weird.”  
  
Rocket’s muzzle curls, “Oh you mean those douchebags who pal around the dump, looking to pick on anyone?” he sneered, “Went down like a load of dumbass bricks.”

 

“Really?” Thor’s pitched raised, “That’s...strange.”  
  
“Only a tourist pretty boy would get their ass handed to them by a bunch of scroungers on Sakaar. So who are we looking for exactly?”

 

“A man called the Grandmaster...you see--”  
  
“Grandmaster? Well it isn’t THANOS, that’s for sure.”  
  
“--well I’m not exactly a fan of him, but I have a feeling he may be of use to us.”  
  
“You won’t find him here,” a voice rang out.

 

Thor’s face lit up with recognition, his depressed demeanor lighting up for the first time today, “Hey, I know that guy! I mean, I don’t...really know you. We sort of worked together, didn’t we?”  
  
“Yeah. I guess.” they looked unimpressed, “Anyway, you won’t find him here. There was a kind of a revolution here and we sort of booted him out.”  
  
“Oh funny...that’s exactly what Korg was talking about all the time! Good for the people to take your destiny into your own hands.”  
  
“Yeah, the stone man was right for once. What happened to the guy? Last we saw him he went off with that...flamboyant greaseball.”  
  
Thor frowned, his fingers coming together as he struggled with words, “Well...you see...it’s kind of complicated….”

 

Rocket rubbed his forehead, “He was killed by Thanos’ goons wasn’t he?”  
  
“Weeeeell I wouldn’t say killed...since...I lost track since I was busy trying to safeguard the rest of my people, Heimdall, and my brother!”

 

The gladiator tilted their head, “You say Thanos?”  
  
“Yes! Surely...you heard of him and his horrendous deeds, haven’t you?”  
  
“That venereal-faced dipshit butchered fifty percent of the universe!”  
  
“...eloquently put, my friend.”

 

The gladiator blinked, “...oh. So that’s what happened to Dave.”  
  
“Dave?” Thor gasped, “He’s alive?”  
  
“Who’s Dave?” asked Rocket.

“Was.” corrected the gladiator, “We saw him get up, turns out it was a nasty coma and then...poof dust.”  
  
“And...no one else?”  
  
“Not that anyone’s told us.” they turned to the crowd, “Hey did anyone turned to dust?!”  
  
“Not me,” said one.

 

“Nope.”  
  
“Well I’ve been feeling a little dry but that’s because I haven’t put on my lotion.”  
  
Thor sighed, “That aside...do you know where I might find the Grandmaster?”  
  
“Oh yeah,” the gladiator said, “They went into the Anus, saying something about a Los Angeles.”  
  
“Eugh. No matter how many times you go into that Anus, it’s always a tight fit. Wait, Los Angeles?” Rocket tilted his head, “Who names a planet Los Angeles?”

 

“No, that’s on Earth! It’s a city! It’s the guardian city of the west coast, I hear.”  
  
Rocket groaned, “What is it with these cosmic assholes being attracted to that dinky blue ball?”  
  
“Your guess is good as mine, rabbit. But we must away to the city of Los Angeles!”  
  
“Yeah, I mean, how hard will finding a Grandmaster be?”  
  
Turns out it was hard. Really hard. It didn’t help the city had fallen into blackouts, and general chaos in the wake of the disappearances. After several knocks, strange looks, creepy invitations, and one muttering shut on their faces, they eventually came to one apartment.

 

Specifically to a man very familiar to Thor.

 

“Darryl?”  
  
The man blinked, glancing from Thor and back down to the raccoon, “...you got a new haircut.”  
  
Rocket leaned to the side, muttering, “Was this the ex you mentioned?”  
  
Thor shook his head, “My good roommate! What are you doing in the grand city of Los Angeles...and wearing armor much like the ones they wear on Sakaar?”  
  
“Oh, don’t tell me...” he sighed.

 

A familiar voice thrummed out, “Darryl, you’re gonna let in a draft before you let these voices in. Come on, come on in strangers.”  
  
Thor, with the unease of a toy soldier, marched in, “Grandmaster.”

The Grandmaster was currently on the couch was a massive headset, a big gulp with a straw sticking out, and a controller in hand. He placed the controller on his massive bust sculpted in his likeness when he spied who it was, “Ahhh it’s ah..sparkles, Lord of Thunder!”  
  
Rocket snickered, “Sparkles?”

 

“I keep telling you, it’s God of Thunder.”

 

“Yeah uh huh,” he dismissed, “Say uh, last time I saw you, you were driving off with a couple of my favorite people in my favorite orgy ship. I gotta say, I don’t really like that.”  
  
Darryl side-eyed Thor, “You what…?”

 

“I was in a hurry. My sister the goddess of death had taken over Asgard and I had to save my people. Plus uh...I kind of lost an eye...got a new one thanks to this adorable creature over there—whoops.” the eyeball fell out. Thor scrambled to the floor, quickly putting it back in.

 

“I really should’ve taken in the whole sparkles thing when I gave you that eye.” Rocket said.

 

“So uh...what’s this...with you two?” he pointed between Darryl and Grandmaster.

 

“Well uh...I got a new job in L.A. and ...the Grandmaster was the only one who answered my ad. I got a girlfriend! But she uh...just turned to dust.”

 

“I’m sorry for your loss, my friend. That’s what we’re here to fix.”  
  
“Hold on hold on hold on,” the robed man interrupted, “Are we forgetting something? What am I, a...a not Grandmaster? Hey Lord of Thunder, you gotta bring back my champion Hulk back and uh...you know your cute brother. Not gonna lie, he was a great entourage.”  
  
Rocket burst out laughing, “That talking eyesore totally banged your brother!”  
  
“You know, that isn’t exactly the most kind attitude to have when my brother is dead!” hissed Thor.

 

Grandmaster leaned back, “He’s dead? Aw, shame big shame. I mean...there’s a lot of tasty snacks to choose from but that was a prime cut there.”  
  
Rocket snickered before Thor shot him a look, “What? It’s a little funny.”  
  
“So uh, what happened? He get crushed by the Anus or something?”

 

“No. He was killed by Thanos. Hulk too, along with half the universe.”  
  
Grandmaster looked deep in thought, “That was ah...Tee Hanos? Tuh Hanos?”  
  
“Thanos.” Rocket corrected, “It’s one word. How could get that freakin’ wrong?”

 

“Tanos, Tanos...” he continued thinking, “Wow, so ah...how did this Tanos go about killing half the universe?”  
“With the Infinity Stones.”  
  
“I’m sorry, the Infinity Scones?” Grandmaster asked before leaning to Rocket’s level, “By the way, your tiny pal is cute. He’s like some kind of...dog man….baby. The more I look at him, the more it eludes me about what you are. You’re like some kind of mystery...I gotta poke at you and find what’s in all that...mystery stuff.”

 

The racoon growled, “This douchebag is gonna save the universe?!”  
  
“Listen, this man is in possession of great power. He’s over a million years old. He must know...of some way to beat Thanos.”

 

“You know, sparkles that’s an intriguing proposition. I’m gonna mull it over while playing this human game, ever heard of it? It’s called Fortnite.”

 

“Our time is pressed, Grandmaster we--”  
  
Darryl sighed, “You’re gonna have to watch him play Fortnite first before he does anything. Believe me.”

 

The four of them crowded together and watched as the Grandmaster sipped from his big gulp and trash talked the other players on Fortnite. Mostly there was confused noises from the other players. Oddly enough the game ended when Grandmaster’s turn was ended. He winced, cursing to himself, “Oooh these Earth kids...they’re too good….I gotta say. This Fortnite game...it makes an excellent training for these warriors of Earth.”

 

“If you wanna be like those Sovreign turds,” muttered Rocket.  
  
“Oooh what’s this?” Grandmaster leaned in close to the plasma screen as a purple man in golden armor crash landed and began popping it wildly for all to see, “Wow this guy...now this guy here? He’s flailing and moving everything all over the place.”  
  
Thor jolted, “That’s him! That’s Thanos!”  
  
“It’s been a few hours and already these humies have made a joke out of a death of the universe?!”

 

“That’s kind of messed, well...more than messed up,” added Darryl.

 

Grandmaster marveled, “This is your Tanos? Huh, if boss on Fortnite is all that was stopping you then ah...you need to...now what was the human Earth expression? Get good.”

 

“He’s not a video game character you flamboyant turkey!”  
  
“So...he’s not that Tanos...but a secondary Tanos. Well...I mean, I could pencil him down for a meeting. He sounds like an interesting guy, all that golden armor and a giant glove. I think he and I could you know...see alike. But you know, I’m bored of playing these video games so why doesn’t Darryl,” he made eyes at the human, “Start the vehicle and we go out on the town, get some of those Earth slurpees, go dancing?”  
  
“Grandmaster...there is...more pressing matters.” Thor was trying to hold his patience.

 

“Yeah like daddy needs to shake these long legs. Actually...” he slides to slow, “I think we need to accessorize your tiny friend here I mean...look at him. His bundle of mystery is so alluring he’s like a living Funko Pop.”

 

Rocket’s fur bristled, already on the defensive, “Thor, you’re not gonna let this man dress me. Or better yet, I’m gonna give this man a new ear hole over his forehead.”  
  
“Wow,” he purred, “It’s like the attitude gives him an edge. He’s not just cute, he’s dangerous. He’s a dangerous Funko Pop, I like it!”

 

“I’ve had a very long day, Grandblaster! So if you don’t wanna step off, I’ll be happy to get my bad day all up in whatever insides you had.”  
  
“I’m...going to stay out of this, for once.” Thor said to himself, exhausted already by today and is fuck-terrible choices.

 

Moments later in the back of the car between the three of them, Rocket found himself in a sailor’s suit. He snarled, “What the—how the hell did we get here?! What is this?!”  
  
“I am at a loss for that as well,” said a sick Thor.

 

“Look at that,” said Grandmaster, “You got that cuteness all over you, but enough raw feisty energy that says ‘don’t mess with me, I’m mystery. You don’t know what I’ll do.’”  
  
“I think I made it very clear about what I’d do, wipehole!”

 

“Darryl,” Thor said, desperately trying to ignore the tense situation, “I must say Los Angeles suits you well.”  
  
“Um...thanks. It’s been good, aside from the whole Grandmaster and the...half the Earth disappearing. Did I tell you the time a whole building vanished?”  
  
“Vanished now?”  
  
“Oh no, this was a few months back. Some lab just vanished. It shrunk or something, I heard.”

 

“Fascinating.” It was if only for the distraction.

 

Moments soon they drove up to a 7-11 where Darryl arrived back to deliver the bad news, “So um...”  
  
“What what what is Darryl?”  
  
“So...bad news. Because of...you know...the whole disappearances and rioting thing, they can’t take credit. Or checks. Or alien money. In fact, they’re closed.”  
  
Grandmaster slumped back, “Darryl. You’re disappointing me.”

 

“But I didn’t--”  
  
“Ah! Disappointing!”  
  
Thor mouthed ‘I’m sorry’.

 

“We’ll just have to go to one of my fave boutiques, do a little accessorizing for our fuzzy baby dog friend.”  
  
“You put as so much a bracelet and I’m gonna eat your fingers.”

 

Grandmaster laughed, “Great!”

 

The mall, as they discovered...was empty, in burning trashed ruins even. Save for the few looters and loiterers. A few even took a few snaps of the strangers.

 

“What the hell they doin’?” asked Rocket.

 

“Pictures, stop fussing you adorable Funko Pop.” Grandmaster folded his arms, “I don’t understand, Darryl. You bring me to the 7-11 and it’s closed. You bring me to my boutique and it’s in flames. This is not how I want my rule on Earth to go. Would YOU want your Earth rule to go like this?”  
  
“No...not...really.” Darryl was preparing for another verbal dressing down when Thor mouthed ‘Thanos’, “...it’s honestly that Tanos that’s making it difficult. With all those...Infinity Stones...maybe if we...dealt with it somehow?”  
  
Grandmaster paced, “Are you suggesting that somehow I handle it on my own?”  
  
“No nooo….but maybe if you gave me directions...came as moral support it’d be a great help?”  
  
He sighed, “Alright, Darryl. Just this once….I really don’t want to go today without my pina colada slurpee. Have you ever had those? They’re so...decadent. Anyway...off we go.”  
  
Both Darryl and Grandmaster vanished in a flash. Rocket tore away his costume, “You weren’t kiddin’ about him...he just shot up into the air. Straight into the air.”  
  
“He couldn’t have done that without the Bifrost,” he said, disbelieving.

 

“Stupider things have happened,” said Rocket.

 

In the midst of the rubble a woman swaggered carrying a satchel of hundreds of vodka bottles. Thor glanced, dismissed it before he turned back to greet her, “Valkyrie! I thought you were dead!”  
  
“….” she raised a finger to possibly conceive of an answer of why the hell she got here, where she was, what the hell even happened, before dashing off in the opposite direction. “No I am!”

 

“Do you just make friends with assholes out of habit?”  
  
“She’ll be back,” he affirmed, “It’s just her way of...working things out.”  
  
“...riiiight---whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat is happening?!” in a moment it felt like the world was a piece of elastic, rippling before their eyes, stretching taught before it dipped into nothingness—and then blinked back.

 

Rocket found himself in his sailor’s uniform, “AGAIN?!”

 

“I am Groot?”  
  
“No son don’t see me like this!!!”  
  
Thor found himself with his brother, Heimdall, and even the Asgardians in the background as Grandmaster stood in a magnificent podium in a building that was a replica of his head.

 

“Oh goodness, a flora colossus—anyway, once again we should reflect on what great teamwork I have here. Me and Darryl together taking on Tanos, me using the Infinity Glove or whatever it was to bring everyone to life and ultimately create this paradise! Don’t forget to thank Sparkles and my main squeeze here,” he gestured to Loki. The crowed booed uproariously.

 

“It wasn’t me this time! I know it looks that way, but it wasn’t me!” he tried to explain before falling back to his brother, “Do you mind explaining what happened, brother?”  
  
“It will take quite a bit of explaining to do...”  
  
“But with my champion the Hulk restored to life...ah somewhere….I would like to christen this planet with a new name! Let’s settle on….ah...Assearth. It’s inspired by some friends of mine! And most importantly, I’d like to thank Slurpees and Fortnite!”  
  
The crowd erupted into wild cheers.

 

Rocket looked outside the newly-sprung building, “Oh my god….”  
  
It was like Sakaar if it got dumped in the vat with a ton of midwest gas station culture. Tacky statues of the Grandmaster dwarfing the country abound, covered in gratuitous logos.

 

Outside an alien craft skidded into the ground. Out stepped...M’Baku.

 

“Battery man! Shuri found a way to reverse all these death...” he lowered his monumental voice, “...they ruined everything again, didn’t they?”

 

“Oh I ruined everything somehow didn’t I?” Thor wheezed through his smile.

**Author's Note:**

> There's probably a ton of canon specific details here and for that I am truly sorry. I merely wanted to channel my inner Waititi


End file.
